Wishing each day to be over wasn't how I pictured my senior year. I try to take each day as it comes but most days I'm just wishing it was over so I could curl in bed and go to sleep because that's the only time I'm not in pain. I can't even concentrate as I type this because I feel so awful. How am I supposed to get off pain killers when this is how I feel when I am taking them. Olivia my 16 year old sister also has to have surgery, so that is 3 of us that need surgery. Can you blame me if I am a little skeptical for them to have surgery after what I went through? I was told my pain would be reduced by 90% and I have had NONE if anything my neck has gotten worse. Just a slight reduction in my pain would be amazing. Someone at my church asked how I was and I replied good, not that I am. He asked if I still had headaches and I answered everyday. He told me that he doesn't know how I look so happy all the time when I'm in so much pain. I don't know how much longer I can fake the smile, because I definitely don't feel like it. I just hope and pray that the trials my family are facing will pull us together and not pull us apart.

Some days it is so hard to feel God beside me, even though I know he is. Mornings like these I don't want to get out of bed, don't have the energy to fake the smile behind the pain anymore. But this song reminds me that however hard the days might be, I don't know what God's purpose is. Because what if His blessings come through raindrops?

"Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise" -Laura Story